Embracing the Uncomfortable
Claire Blaze reflects on the journeys of women in Beyond Trans' Women's Circle—navigating dysphoria, medical transition, and the power of self-acceptance.
What changes when we turn towards uncomfortable truths rather than turning away? I have the opportunity to hear about these perspective shifts when facilitating Women’s Circle, a peer support group run through Beyond Trans for female adults who are questioning or ceasing their medical transition. An anonymous group member, who I will refer to as Jane, explained, “Unpacking what makes my female-ness distressing has taken years.” For those disturbed by the fact that they are female, joining a group with “woman” in the title may be a step in facing down a difficult truth.
Women’s Circle is primarily a place for members to connect with others who share their experiences. The backgrounds of our group members vary. Most are same-sex-attracted or gender non-conforming (GNC), and most grew up in traditional, religious communities where gender norms were rigidly enforced. Many have experienced abuse or sexual assault, and many also report being autistic. Group members report having mostly male-typical interests, having only male friends as a kid, and feeling as if they did not fit in with the girls around them. “I was a textbook example of ‘not like other girls,’” Jane shared. Some members feel that they internalized the cultural messages that their communities imparted to them. One woman reflected on the sense of obligation she felt to perform her gender and on how at one point she struggled to separate signifiers of femininity or masculinity from what it meant to be a woman or a man.
Conversations in Women’s Circle are typically centered around what is on group members’ minds that day. All participants are conscientious and demonstrate respect and consideration for others. Some themes that come up include the experience of being female, including the messages and expectations that often come along with it, and how those messages can affect a GNC woman. Members also reflect on what it is like, both personally and socially, to reidentify with their biological sex. For some, their gender dysphoria is fully resolved, something that they previously did not realize was possible to achieve without identifying as the opposite sex. For others, the physical effects of their medical transition have contributed to a worsening of their gender dysphoria as they now feel even more self-conscious about being a masculinized female. Regardless of the status of their dysphoria, perspective shifts often come along with this process. Jane reflected on how her own view of medical transition has changed:
“A belief I once held but now look at critically is the idea that less gatekeeping of medical transition is a good thing. Meeting regretful transitioners, especially ones rushed recklessly into medical transition as minors, that has broken my faith in the cause I’ve championed for over a decade. The cause I poured my heart and soul into for over a decade, has failed these young people. That breaks my heart. It has added avoidable gender dysphoria into the world. Anyone who knows what that dysphoria feels like should understand why that isn’t right. Regardless of how much medical transition has resolved gender dysphoria in how many others—that doesn’t undo the harm that was done.”
I’m often surprised to learn about the messages that group members heard when they were involved with the trans community. Several participants recounted the experience of being told that cis people never experience gender dysphoria, that if someone does experience gender dysphoria that means that individual is trans and that the only path forward is transition. Group members report that during this time they were unaware that they had other options for managing their gender dysphoria outside of transitioning. Several felt that medical providers had nudged them down the path of medical intervention. At least one group member was advised that medical transition would alleviate her mental health struggles.
Many of these women grew up in communities that sent them the message that there is something wrong with being GNC. They then drifted into a community proclaiming to subvert gender norms, but which, in many ways, encouraged conformity. The end result of transition means that a GNC lesbian is now considered a straight man. In effect, this converts a lesbian into a straight person, eliminating any challenge to the top-down, culturally enforced, stereotypical declarations of what a woman is supposed to be.
In reality, there is nothing wrong with being GNC. On the contrary, there's something very healthy about accepting ourselves as we are. There can also be value in challenging the status quo, which GNC people do simply by being true to themselves. But for a GNC child, it can be very distressing to feel as if you are not living up to the expectations of your family or your community. Transition offers an escape from this discomfort, but at a cost.
The concept of “distress tolerance” is a foundational element of dialectical behavioral therapy that refers to a person’s ability to manage and endure uncomfortable experiences without trying to escape from them or resorting to maladaptive coping behaviors. Distress tolerance is important because in order to grow, we need to be able to accept and work through difficult situations. For many, rather than developing a tolerance to the distress of being GNC, transition was a way of avoiding that distress. There are plenty of lesbian, gay, and otherwise GNC people who developed this tolerance and are stronger and healthier for it. They retained their healthy, functioning bodies, and they strengthened their mental health through self-acceptance. Those who were immediately and automatically shuffled down a path of medical transition, without learning about this other option, were denied the opportunity to preserve their physical health and to potentially strengthen their mental health.
“I want to accept my biological sex as it is,” says Jane. I hope that Women’s Circle can provide a supportive and healing space for Jane and other women looking to self-acceptance as their pathway to healing.
Claire Blaze, LGSW, is a U.S.-based therapist with a background in Gender and Feminist Studies and a clinical focus on how culture, identity, and environment shape women’s lives.
Women’s Circle meets online every other Thursday at 7 PM Eastern and is free to attend. To join—or explore other Beyond Trans support groups for those impacted by gender dysphoria or medical transition—fill out the enquiry form at beyondtrans.org.
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Really excellent post! I think it will help many people to consider the possibility of accepting themselves as they are, and then perhaps to work towards that goal.