My story feels timeless in parts—love, loss, the ache to belong, and the wild imagination of 15-year-olds dreaming of becoming someone else. But what sets it apart is that in my story, the adults were caught up in that same magical thinking.
One of the Boys
As a little girl with two older brothers, I wanted nothing more than to be like them. They were my idols, my inspiration, and my heroes in a lot of ways. I wore their hand-me-downs, listened to their music, and followed their every move. For a lot of young girls with brothers, this is pretty common. I loved being a tomboy and didn't care what others thought. I was just me.
When I was five, my parents divorced, and my world flipped upside down. I wasn't sure what would come next, but I just waited to see how life would change and hoped for the best — what choice did I have? Over the next few years, both my parents met new partners, and life was pretty different. I spent most of my time with my mom and her new boyfriend. They fought almost all the time. As an 8-year-old, this was hard. I felt like I didn't have anywhere to go to escape the yelling. A lot of the time, he yelled at me. I never could figure out why, but it crushed me because I was doing everything I could to be a good kid, yet it never seemed like enough.
Then there was every other weekend at my dad's house. My dad is amazing. If my brothers were my heroes, my dad was my superhero. He did so much to provide for me and my brothers, even when he wasn't physically there. His new girlfriend, however, was not the same. Her kids were her everything; we, but we were treated as less than them. As an 8-year-old, I felt trapped and confused. I wasn't even allowed to hug my dad around her because it made her jealous. It broke my heart to be pushed away from my dad and told, "not right now," because she was nearby. She would even trick me sometimes by asking me something she knew I'd get wrong just so she could be right. My self-confidence at this point was nearing zero. All I ever tried to do was be a good kid. I was helpful, kind, quiet, and patient. Yet I was constantly being put down. Every day, I wondered, "What's wrong with me?" I never felt normal or like I had a place I belonged. I didn't know who I was or what it meant to be normal. I was lost.
A New Beginning
Fast forward to when I was 15. My mom decided to move us to a different state, four hours away, to be closer to my ailing grandmother. I started my sophomore year of high school in a different place and made new friends. It was a chance to reinvent myself. I decided to cut my hair short for the first time in years and spent the summer before school getting used to our situation, and making a lot of online friends. In retrospect, I was online far too much. With my short hair and more masculine look, I chose to label myself as a lesbian and started talking to girls romantically online. It seemed right. I felt a new confidence that I had never had before. I felt wanted and in charge.
The first day at the new school was nerve-wracking. Will I get lost? Will I meet people? Am I coming off weird? Where is my locker?! Even so, everything went well. I made one very good friend and felt so comfortable. Then, just a month in, I decided to join the Gay Straight Alliance club. I figured that being a lesbian it might help me make even more new friends. And it did! I went every week, and gained more and more friends! It was a great feeling. I got to know a couple of FTM trans people in the group, and as we became close, I started questioning whether I was supposed to be male. Were the difficulties in my life up to that point simply that I had been born in the wrong body? Was this the answer to all my problems? I decided it was.
I was 15 when I decided I was transgender, and I must have been my whole life. I borrowed a friend's chest binder and started trying out new names at school. My friends at school love-bombed me; everyone was so excited. For once, I finally felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt special and on top of the world.
I told my family shortly after, and everyone was accepting but cautious. My dad wanted me to wait until I was 18 before getting any medical interventions, but my mom had full custody, so he couldn't make any decisions. She was a little hesitant and wanted to make sure I was positive before making any permanent decisions. Looking back now, I realize that at 15, I could never really be sure, but I thought I was. I did my research; we went to a support group for trans kids and their parents, and I thought it was exactly what I needed.
The “Professionals”
I had to start therapy to get a letter for testosterone. I found someone who specialized in transgender care and arranged to see her right away. At our first meeting, she asked me.
"What are you here for?"
"I realized recently that I'm transgender, and my end goal is I'd like for you to write me a letter for testosterone," I said.
She then told me, “We’ll need to talk about why you feel this way, over our next few appointments.” She explained that technically, by state law, I needed to see a therapist for 6 months before they could write me a letter, but told me, “I'm sure we can make it happen sooner." Within a month, she had written me a referral letter for hormones.
I realize now that the speed at which I got that referral helped make me sure of my decision to transition. It happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to second-guess myself. It kept that high feeling of being special going. Everyone was affirming how special I was, so it must have been the right decision. Right?
Years later, I learned that this same therapist told my parents I would kill myself if they didn't allow me to transition. She told my dad he had to get rid of or hide all the old pictures of me and never bring them up to me ever again. My parents were heartbroken, but they were just as brainwashed into thinking it was normal and what they needed to do as I was.
For the next 5 years, I lived my life as a happy male. I never got any surgeries, though I did take hormones. I truly thought I had made the right choice — even in my dating life. I met so many people who were attracted to me. I realize now that much of it was fetishized, but at the time, it kept me going. It was through this dating experience that I met my current boyfriend. He was different than the rest. We truly connected on so many levels. It was a love I'd never felt before.
Growing Pains
Through this time of growing up and growing closer with my boyfriend, I started to distance myself from the trans community that had been such a huge part of my life. It was then that the fog started to clear. As the people who constantly affirmed me disappeared, I felt less and less happy with myself. I started to struggle. Was I unhappy in our relationship? No, it definitely wasn't that. But why was I feeling this way? I started to look at the hair covering my body; I didn't like it anymore. When being intimate with my boyfriend, I felt gross. I was never ashamed of my female body parts, but the longer I was on hormones, the worse I felt about my body
At that point, I still believed I was male, but thought that maybe I didn't need to take hormones. So I messaged the endocrinologist who initially prescribed testosterone me to ask if I could stop, if there were risks, and how to go about it. I said I wanted to start a hormonal birth control with my Primary Care Physician to keep my period away, and was told, "You should be fine to stop testosterone and start the birth control." They didn’t even do blood work or see me for an appointment. When I expressed my concerns about going straight from testosterone to birth control with my PCP, she paused, shrugged, said it should be okay, and prescribed it
The next two years were some of the worst of my life. I took 2 different hormonal birth controls; I was depressed, anxious, and even suicidal. My doctor still did no blood work, even when I said how I was feeling. I was simply changed to a different formulation of birth control, which didn't help at all. I was at my lowest point. I felt defeated. I hated myself. I hated what I had done to myself. I didn't know if I was a male or female — or what. Nothing made sense. I was ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. I had so much self-hatred, everything made me upset, and our intimacy dwindled. Then, after almost a year, I decided to stop using birth control since I wasn't able to be intimate, and my period had come back anyway. Within a week of quitting, I felt like a whole new person. My depression, anxiety, and self-hatred lifted almost immediately. It felt like a miracle! After spending years feeling miserable, it was just because of my hormones. Surely my doctors should have known and ought to have monitored me to make sure everything was going well. Yet none of them cared to even check on me. I was happy to have myself back, but devastated by the harm caused to my relationship. It made me angry, but at least I was able to start healing.
A Journey Home
Over the next couple of years, I rediscovered myself. I let my hormone levels even out naturally. I spent as much time with my boyfriend as possible to strengthen our relationship, and things got better. After some of the worst years of my life, I finally felt normal. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see myself, a “me” I'm comfortable seeing.
I hope others can learn from my story. For parents with kids going through this, I urge you to try to find the root problem of why your child is feeling the way they are. In my experience, there is always a reason. Adolescence is always a painful time. Some days, we want to grow up so badly that we hate the child we were. Others, we hate the adult we think others want us to be. The shock of divorce, moving, or some other trauma makes it even harder. Affirming a transgender identity enables that self-hatred and makes it “cool”.
II needed guidance and help from the people who should have been protecting me. I strongly believe that if my parents, my therapist, and the doctors I trusted had made me wait until I was in my 20s, I would have found myself naturally, without needing to change my body.
Despite the trauma I experienced on my journey — maybe because it was so hard to get through — I am stronger now than ever. I have a different view on life and can push through any troubles that come my way. I realize, too, how much my boyfriend's love and support have mattered to me. Everyone needs to be loved, and I thank God every day for blessing me with such an amazing best friend and partner.
Genspect publishes a variety of authors with different perspectives. Any opinions expressed in this article are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect Genspect’s official position. For more on Genspect, visit our FAQs.
Life Beyond Trans
Inspecting Gender is proud to feature the stories of detransitioners like Max C. We hope you’ll join Genspect at the Bigger Picture Conference in Albuquerque, September 27-28, to listen to Soren Aldaco on Digital Influence on Trans Identities, Cori Cohn on the Activist turn to Authenticity Over Evidence and Jonni Skinner on Detransition in Adulthood. Register now at genspect.org
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Thank you for sharing your story and returning to you. I liked what you said, "After some of the worst years of my life, I finally felt normal. Now, when I look in the mirror, I see myself, a “me” I'm comfortable seeing."
This should be required reading for the millions of liberals and progressives who pride themselves on being good trans allies who are deeply committed defending "trans kids" from meanies like us. Tim Miller of The Bulwark podcast needs to be first because he is so drunk on gender ideology.