Let’s Stop “Parenting” and Start Raising Kids Again

Parenting got us into this mess but parents can get help get us out of it.

Photo by Frances Barcelo on Unsplash

Last weekend, I watched my oldest child graduate from college. “Well, you did it,” a friend said, offering congratulations. It feels good to see the once-tiny stranger, whose highs and lows have shaped my imagination, worries, and heart for the past 22 years, all grown up. However, as every parent of adult children will tell you, it never really ends—it just changes. Like many of you, I have spent countless hours wondering if I was doing this child-rearing endeavor right. Was I giving my children enough freedom to be themselves? Was I setting the right boundaries? Was I scarring them for life? You might think I would have had a little more perspective, since I wrote a history of Parenting!

The question of how we are raising our children haunts me, especially when I see the current cultural tug-of-war over how children should navigate their developing identities. When I began writing my book, The Problem with Parenting back in 2016, I was motivated by the desire to counter the intense culture of raising children that was prevalent when my children were young. It was making everyone—parents, children, grandparents—miserable and a bit neurotic. We were “Parenting” with a capital P: a hyper-intense, expert-driven, anxiety-fueled project that left us all exhausted and was not doing our children any favors. Nearly ten years later, I believe it is long past time to abandon this modern obsession with Parenting and return to raising children in a way that allows them to grow into confident, grounded adults. This is especially true when it comes to their understanding of gender.

How We Got Here: The Rise of Parenting

We should start with what Parenting even means. As Nora Ephron brilliantly pointed out, there was a time when being a parent was straightforward: you loved your children, spent time with them, taught them manners, and trusted they would turn out well because they had their own personalities. You did not need a PhD in child psychology or a stack of parenting manuals to do it. However, in the 1970s, everything changed. Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson’s book How to Parent introduced the idea that the word “parent” ought to be a verb, an active, scientific process requiring expertise, not just instinct¹. This concept rapidly gained traction, resonating with a society eager for guidance amid shifting family dynamics. Suddenly, parenting was not something you did naturally; it was a profession, complete with Mozart CDs for fetuses and debates over breastfeeding versus formula

This shift did not happen in a vacuum. The 1970s were a time of massive social upheaval. The bourgeois family—a child-centered, yet adult-led, institution that balanced individualism with social integration—began to crumble. Post-World War II prosperity gave way to economic pressures, with women entering the workforce in droves as single-income households became unsustainable. Divorce rates skyrocketed, with half of marriages from the 1970s ending in splits. The family became too unstable to continue playing the role it once had. The focus shifted from raising children as a collective family effort to managing the parent-child relationship as the primary vehicle for child-rearing.

At the same time, the counterculture of the 1960s and 1970s rejected traditional norms, embracing self-fulfillment over collective purpose. This “Me Decade” ethos permeated child-rearing, with parents wanting their children to be “free to be” their authentic selves, unburdened by societal expectations. That sounds appealing but it is easier said than done. Were we setting our kids free or screwing them up? It opened the door to a flood of expert advice, from child psychologists to parenting gurus, all claiming to have the formula for raising happy, intelligent children. Parents, already unsettled by unstable families and new economic realities, latched onto this advice, turning child-rearing into a high-stakes project where every decision—diaper brand, screen time, even how you discuss gender—could make or break your child’s future.

Why Parenting Is a Problem

Here is the challenge: Parenting, as we know it, is not merely different from how we used to raise children—it is actively undermining our ability to raise them well. The bourgeois family was far from perfect, but it had the advantage of being built around the idea that children needed a stable environment to internalize social norms, develop a sense of purpose, and balance individuality with community. Parents took a hands-off approach, stepping in only when necessary, trusting that children would learn through experience. Parenting, on the other hand, is all about control. It involves micromanaging every aspect of a child’s life to ensure they become the “best” version of themselves, whatever that means.

This hyper-involved approach has created a culture where parents are constantly second-guessing themselves. Should I let my child cry it out? Am I using gender stereotypes? Will this toy boost their intelligence quotient? The barrage of expert advice—often contradictory—erodes parental confidence. Yet we embrace it. For instance, a 1993 study about classical music and spatial reasoning sparked a multimillion-dollar industry of “Baby Einstein” products, despite the research being flimsy and irrelevant to children. We want an off-the-shelf solution guaranteed to help our children succeed. We pursue the latest research—not just to help our children excel but also because we fear that our mistakes might doom them. This anxiety does not just stress parents; it affects children, who become far too self-conscious at a very young age.

Worse, Parenting has turned child-rearing into an extension of the parent’s identity. In the 1970s, adults raised on the mantra of self-fulfillment began seeing their children as their project or accomplishment. If our children were happy and well-adjusted—or, better yet, quirky and creative—it reflected positively on us. This is where things become problematic, especially with gender. When a child is distressed about their sexed body (something that occurred less frequently with traditional child-rearing because it was clear that boys grew into men and girls into women), there is an inherent incentive to affirm them. It makes them happy, and in the progressive circles where such distress has become common, there is an added incentive for parents to embrace their children’s gender identities because that is what “good, progressive people do.” However, what is really happening here? Are these parents supporting their children, or are they substituting validation for the guidance and loving realism children need? Moreover, even if parents resist the pressure to affirm, they risk facing condemnation from experts who label them as bad people for not complying with their child’s wishes.

Gender and the Parenting Trap

Let us address gender specifically, because this is where Parenting’s flaws are most evident. In the past, children grew up with a sense of gender rooted in biology and social norms—not because parents drilled it into them, but because it was part of the cultural environment they experienced. Boys and girls played together, roughhoused, and discovered who they were through trial and error. Parents did not hover, agonizing over whether their son’s love of dolls indicated he was transgender. They allowed children to be children, trusting that identity would resolve itself over time.

Today, however, Parenting has turned gender into a high-stakes battlefield. The rise of gender ideology—amplified by experts, schools, and social media—has convinced many parents that they must actively “affirm” their child’s gender identity from the moment they deviate from stereotypes. A boy who likes pink? He may be non-binary. A girl who is a tomboy? Perhaps she is transgender. Parents, immersed in the Parenting ethos of control and expertise, feel compelled to label these behaviors, consult therapists, and sometimes even pursue medical interventions, such as puberty blockers or surgeries. It is not solely about supporting children; it is about proving you are a “good” parent, as much to yourself as to others.

This approach is problematic for several reasons. First, it assumes children have a fixed gender identity at a young age, when most are merely exploring. Studies indicate that 80 to 90 percent of children with gender dysphoria resolve it by adulthood if allowed to navigate it naturally, without medical intervention. Yet Parenting’s obsession with “affirming” identity often pushes children toward permanent decisions before they are ready. Second, it places an enormous burden on children to define themselves in ways that align with adult expectations. When a parent posts a photo of their newly transitioned child online, they are not only announcing that their daughter is now their son; they are making a statement about themselves, perhaps without considering how a young person might begin to retract such a decision once it is public.

Most critically, this hyper-focus on gender undermines the very thing Parenting claims to champion: a child’s authentic self. By labeling and medicalizing children’s explorations, parents risk confining them to identities they might not ultimately want. The bourgeois family allowed children to develop gradually, surrounded by a community that provided guardrails—norms, values, and a sense of belonging. Parenting, by contrast, isolates the parent-child relationship, making every decision a referendum on the parent’s competence. When it comes to gender, this means parents are less likely to let children figure things out and more likely to steer them toward a predetermined outcome, whether that is affirming a new identity or rejecting it outright.

Going Back to Raising Children

So, how do we address this? We must stop Parenting and start raising children again. That means stepping back from the micromanaging, expert-driven model and trusting our instincts—and our children—more. Here is what that entails, especially for gender:

• Allow Children to Explore Without Labels: Children are curious. They try on identities like costumes—today a princess, tomorrow a pirate. Gender is no different. If your son wants to wear a dress or your daughter dislikes dresses, permit them. Do not rush to label it as evidence of a deeper identity. Most children resolve these phases naturally if given space. The bourgeois family trusted children to grow into themselves; we should too.

• Rebuild Community Support: Parenting isolates parents, making them feel solely responsible for every outcome. We need to rely on extended family, friends, and neighbors to share the responsibility. When it comes to gender, community provides perspective. A grandparent or family friend might gently remind you that your “non-binary” child is simply going through a phase—perhaps similar to one you experienced but have since forgotten.

• Challenge Expertise: Experts have their place, but they have overreached. Child psychologists and gender therapists often encourage parents to affirm identities without sufficient evidence. Trust your instincts. If a therapist insists your 10-year-old needs puberty blockers, seek a second opinion—or a third. Better yet, ignore them. Experience, not just credentials, matters.

• Focus on the Long Term: Raising children is not about crafting a perfect childhood; it is about preparing them for adulthood. When it comes to gender, this means providing them the space to develop resilience and critical thinking. They gain this through experience, not affirmation. Children need to learn how to question trends, navigate peer pressure, and make decisions they will not regret. Paradoxically, this involves allowing them to be unhappy and to experience the normal mistakes and disappointments that shape children into adults with perspective about themselves and others. The bourgeois family raised children to balance individuality with social and material reality; we should aim for the same.

• Own Your Role, Not Their Identity: Our role as parents is to guide, not to define. When we tie our identity to our child’s, it complicates matters. Support your child, listen to them, but avoid making their exploration a demonstration of your commitment to progressive values. Allow them to change their minds about their identities—even if they do so repeatedly—without rushing to label these intense but fleeting interests as a “gender journey” requiring medical intervention.

• Protect Kids from Adult Influences: Just as we should not project our adult preconceptions about gender onto our children, it is important to prevent other adults from doing so—not experts, not teachers or therapists, and especially not strangers online. This may be the most challenging task, but it is one of the most critical.

A Personal Plea

Remember, none of us is perfect. I know I am not. Over the years, I have caught myself worrying about whether I am patient enough or if I am missing some critical sign that my child needs help. I have made countless mistakes, but I console myself by recalling my own childhood, growing up in the 1970s, when my parents made their share of mistakes but thankfully did not obsess over my every quirk. I grew up with the space to play with Barbies and GI Joes, to wear my cousin Matt’s hand-me-downs, or to spend hours experimenting with makeup or crawling through the mud like a commando. My parents did not analyze my gender; they simply allowed me to be. We all knew I was a girl, and they were content to let me determine what kind of girl, and ultimately woman, I would become. I believe this is what we all want for our children—a childhood where they are permitted to explore without being scrutinized, without labeling, genuinely free to discover how to be at home in their bodies and in the world.

Parenting, with its relentless focus on control and expertise, has lost sight of what children truly need: stability, love, and the freedom to grow at their own pace. When it comes to gender, this means stepping back, allowing children to figure things out, and trusting that they will reach their destination without us turning their childhood into a science experiment. Let us stop Parenting and start raising children again. Our children—and our sanity—depend on it.

Nancy McDermott is the author of The Problem with Parenting: How raising children is changing across America

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1. The first known use of “parenting” as a verb occurred in 1918 in The Jarr Family, a serialised humor column written by Roy McCardell. In the story, Mr. Jarr, a sort of proto-Homer Simpson, decides to put his philosophy of “parenting” into practice while looking after his children for the day. The philosophy, “All one has to do with children is let them do anything they want. It is surprising how little damage they really do if you say '“yes” to them instead of “no,” goes horribly and, for the audience at the time, predictably wrong. Today that philosophy is no longer a joke