One significant finding from the recent parent survey that I carried out is that many parents regret having avoided addressing their child's gender dysphoria.
Thank you for this, Stella. I am one of the original parents at the first retreat btw you, Lisa & Sasha. My adult daughter has been estranged from me for over 3 years. Her transition began long before many of us knew what was happening. When her announcement came, I was already 20 steps behind..No one was talking about this then. I did not avoid., however. I hit it head on. It was a collision that proved fatal for our family. I understand the point of your article and appreciate it. I wish I had the tools then that parents have today. I will continue suffering, loving and praying for her from afar. I will not lie to her and cannot agree to her silly demands of her delusion. Thanks for all you do. Families are being destroyed, as you well know. L Anderson
I am so sorry. I am in your exact same boat. I waited and worried and waited some more. We are about at two years with a visit home in there while euthanizing our family dog. I also saw her for a play performance where she refused to hug me. After hugging other family members. A new rung in Hell. We have to support one another. We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't cause it and, we can't fix it. And we definitely can't control it. Peace to you and to me and to all who struggle thusly.
Excellent food for thought. We are in avoidance mode at the moment (and have been for years) and you're right - our daughter is delightful to engage with and I feel almost like a normal family so long as we don't engage on gender. It is all a facade, though, as you said, because as soon as she goes back to college she will be love bombed and affirmed and all the rest.
I would love to hear your thoughts on avoidance as it relates to other siblings who are not afflicted with gender confusion. In our home, we chose to avoid the topic of gender with our daughter in part because our older son (then in high school) was emotionally distressed over the fraught conversations. He wanted no part of the tense dynamic. We opted to stop talking about gender for his sake. I'm not sure it was the right decision, but it was the decision we felt was best at the time. If we hadn't avoided the subject and ripped the band aid off (lovingly), where would we be today? Likely with a different set of problems, but maybe ones that would be easier to manage? It's hard to know. Would love for you to focus some of your posts here on sibling impact!!
As a parent of a formerly anorexic child who we almost lost, we learned the importance of acknowledging and seeking trusted outside help is. The longer the thought parrern persists, the more entrenched it becomes. However the problem cannot be addressed head-on. For instance weighing an anorexic person will only cause them to eat less and exercise more.
Get help. Comments
As a parent of a formerly anorexic child who we almost lost, we learned the importance of acknowledging and seeking trusted outside help is.
There is a subtle discussion to be had. Most of what you said is exactly right. That is, an ROGD young person will keep obsessing and laying a deeper foundation for the created need to do everything to appear and be seen as the opposite sex, much as an anorexic will keep obsessing over weight issues. The young person is avoiding solving their social issues, Whatever they may be, through this fantasy. The fantasy doesn’t just go away.
However, as to parental avoidance, while there may be some who avoid the issue, hoping it will just go away, the majority try their best to straddle the line between guiding and advising and even pushing their child to realize what’s really going on and maintaining a loving relationship and connection - which becomes quite difficult or even impossible as the constant conflict on this issue weakens the parent-child bond.
That having been said, what you may be warning is that we must treat ROGD as a medical issue, not just a Psychological phase that will hopefully pass through loving guidance. The question then becomes - how do we treat it? Is therapy - with a competent, not “affirming,” but instead exploratory therapist - the only answer? Must the child be take out of their normal environment?
I can only attest to the fact that trying to discuss the topic rationally on a semi-regular basis, while otherwise “ignoring” it and carrying on with normal life to try and keep the connection, doesn’t work. There is enough conflict to at least partially interfere with the parent-child bond (although we still have ours, it has taken several hits), but not enough inspiration toward more realistic thinking coming from the rational discussions.
Clearly, more is needed - but exploratory therapists are few and far between and the child had to be open to it for it to work. What other solutions are there?
Thank you for this, Stella. I am one of the original parents at the first retreat btw you, Lisa & Sasha. My adult daughter has been estranged from me for over 3 years. Her transition began long before many of us knew what was happening. When her announcement came, I was already 20 steps behind..No one was talking about this then. I did not avoid., however. I hit it head on. It was a collision that proved fatal for our family. I understand the point of your article and appreciate it. I wish I had the tools then that parents have today. I will continue suffering, loving and praying for her from afar. I will not lie to her and cannot agree to her silly demands of her delusion. Thanks for all you do. Families are being destroyed, as you well know. L Anderson
I am so sorry. I am in your exact same boat. I waited and worried and waited some more. We are about at two years with a visit home in there while euthanizing our family dog. I also saw her for a play performance where she refused to hug me. After hugging other family members. A new rung in Hell. We have to support one another. We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't cause it and, we can't fix it. And we definitely can't control it. Peace to you and to me and to all who struggle thusly.
I understand your pain. I'm sorry.
Excellent food for thought. We are in avoidance mode at the moment (and have been for years) and you're right - our daughter is delightful to engage with and I feel almost like a normal family so long as we don't engage on gender. It is all a facade, though, as you said, because as soon as she goes back to college she will be love bombed and affirmed and all the rest.
I would love to hear your thoughts on avoidance as it relates to other siblings who are not afflicted with gender confusion. In our home, we chose to avoid the topic of gender with our daughter in part because our older son (then in high school) was emotionally distressed over the fraught conversations. He wanted no part of the tense dynamic. We opted to stop talking about gender for his sake. I'm not sure it was the right decision, but it was the decision we felt was best at the time. If we hadn't avoided the subject and ripped the band aid off (lovingly), where would we be today? Likely with a different set of problems, but maybe ones that would be easier to manage? It's hard to know. Would love for you to focus some of your posts here on sibling impact!!
Comments
As a parent of a formerly anorexic child who we almost lost, we learned the importance of acknowledging and seeking trusted outside help is. The longer the thought parrern persists, the more entrenched it becomes. However the problem cannot be addressed head-on. For instance weighing an anorexic person will only cause them to eat less and exercise more.
Get help. Comments
As a parent of a formerly anorexic child who we almost lost, we learned the importance of acknowledging and seeking trusted outside help is.
https://x.com/OurDutyC anada/status /1824799206701216233 ?t=7pUmFfajiLj _dbTwbX81jQ&s=19
https://x.com/OurDutyC anada/status /1824799206701216233 ?t=7pUmFfajiLj _dbTwbX81jQ&s=19
There is a subtle discussion to be had. Most of what you said is exactly right. That is, an ROGD young person will keep obsessing and laying a deeper foundation for the created need to do everything to appear and be seen as the opposite sex, much as an anorexic will keep obsessing over weight issues. The young person is avoiding solving their social issues, Whatever they may be, through this fantasy. The fantasy doesn’t just go away.
However, as to parental avoidance, while there may be some who avoid the issue, hoping it will just go away, the majority try their best to straddle the line between guiding and advising and even pushing their child to realize what’s really going on and maintaining a loving relationship and connection - which becomes quite difficult or even impossible as the constant conflict on this issue weakens the parent-child bond.
That having been said, what you may be warning is that we must treat ROGD as a medical issue, not just a Psychological phase that will hopefully pass through loving guidance. The question then becomes - how do we treat it? Is therapy - with a competent, not “affirming,” but instead exploratory therapist - the only answer? Must the child be take out of their normal environment?
I can only attest to the fact that trying to discuss the topic rationally on a semi-regular basis, while otherwise “ignoring” it and carrying on with normal life to try and keep the connection, doesn’t work. There is enough conflict to at least partially interfere with the parent-child bond (although we still have ours, it has taken several hits), but not enough inspiration toward more realistic thinking coming from the rational discussions.
Clearly, more is needed - but exploratory therapists are few and far between and the child had to be open to it for it to work. What other solutions are there?
BS
Spot on. Thank you Stella!