My friend’s son declared he wanted a new name and pronouns at 19. He’d been abandoned by his father, struggled with addiction to cannabis, had mental health challenges, didn’t complete high school, and was socially derailed by the pandemic. He’d always been oppositional and impulsive, and hugely talented, but not an “easy” child. Still, he was always very much a boy, and I was shocked by his sudden adoption of a “trans” identity.
I got a front-row seat to witness exactly what our system did to this family, once mom sought out counselling for him (now her biggest regret).
Mom explained to the “professional” that there was a LOT going on here, and she certainly wanted a holistic approach to assessing her boy’s demands for medicalization of his brand-new “female embodiment goals.” The female therapist assured mom that yes, that would all be taken into account, and the boy would not simply be “affirmed.”
Yet he was. Some weeks later, in front of the boy, the therapist asked Mom, “Would you rather have a dead son or a living daughter?”
When Mom told me this had occurred, it peaked me. I had to know more about why this obviously unethical, rhetorical, and coercive question had been asked. I later found out that it was being posed to parents all over the world, in various languages. Reflexively. Dismissively. Condescendingly. Threateningly. Over and over: “Dead child or trans child? Dead child or trans child?” IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT.
This mom was all for having a gay son, if that were the fact. But not a medically maimed and harmed son. Not a son suffering the lifelong iatrogenic harm engendered by “gender affirming care.”
But the system affirmed him, and at 19, he got a testosterone blocker and estrogen. And he demanded “she / her” pronouns. And when mom drew the line and said no to calling him a woman or “daughter,” he ended all contact with her. It’s been over two years now.
This is why I got involved in opposing loss-of-function elective cosmetic chemical and surgical sex trait modifications for children and youth. Because I’ve seen this boy being misdiagnosed, I’ve seen the devastation of his mother’s grief and loss. And I blame the “professionals” and the system… NOT THE PARENTS.
The parents are living through “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” It’s truly a horror. I feel survivor guilt, that somehow my own two GenZ kids didn’t get transed into the body-destroying cult.
This is a wonderful essay, and should be required reading for every “trans” activist and “ally.”
Claire, I’m honored to have met you in person in DC. You are beautiful, kind and bright. Your story brought me to tears. You have such beautiful grace in forgiving your mother. I’m so glad you shared your story with us. I will never look at an affirming parent the same way. Before I judge them, I will at least wonder what happened to them to make them go this route.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a parent who was not allowed to be part of the narrative of my young adult's journey, only informed via email. It is so important that people hear the journey of you and your mother. I am sure there are many mothers right now wondering how to navigate their current experience who will benefit from yours.
Sending wishes for continued healing to you and your mom.
Claire- I wonder if you think the situation is different now? Is there enough doubt and skepticism out there generally that would give a parent (say, in a blue state) pause about pursuing GAC? Thank you again for a column full of wisdom and grace.
I am a healthcare provider in Oregon. In the Democrat controlled cities here, dissent to all woke beliefs and programs is aggressively crushed. The “trans” ideology is currently an unquestionable religious tenet. On the occasions when I have attempted to talk about problems with GAC, including lack of evidence base for informed consent, medical necessity, and effectiveness of GAC, I have been immediately demonized as a “right wing bigot.” Belief in the suicide myth is particularly unassailable. Most healthcare providers practicing in major cities here either support the gender ideology or remain silent out of justified fears of being harmed professionally and personally.
If I were the parent of a teen or younger child I would leave the area, keep my kids out of schools that preach gender ideology, and try to protect them from social contagion via the internet. Many families are unable to do this, and I would be terrified if I were in that position.
Yes, I have observed the blueness of NM in recent elections. It seems odd that a Southwestern state would have turned so blue; I suppose it is because of retirees moving there from blue areas.
Oregon, in addition to having an overwhelming ideological investment in GAC, also has an enormous financial interest. At least two of Portland hospitals are among the top rated for GAC, and Oregon law makes it as easy as possible for kids to seek their services.
Such a beautifully written article. Claire has so much grace, compassion and maturity.
As a parent of a formerly trans child, another fear I had was that my then 18 year-old would cut ties with us, and then I would have no influence whatsoever.
Yesterday, the governor in our state signed a bill that allows school employees to take children off school grounds to seek “gender-affirming care” including medications. All without parental knowledge or consent. So I could show up at my child’s school only to be told she’s not there, but they can’t tell me where she is or what she’s doing or who took her. But I’d have to pay the bill, of course. I guess I’d find out then. I just can’t believe some people believe that’s in the child’s best interest.
My friend’s son declared he wanted a new name and pronouns at 19. He’d been abandoned by his father, struggled with addiction to cannabis, had mental health challenges, didn’t complete high school, and was socially derailed by the pandemic. He’d always been oppositional and impulsive, and hugely talented, but not an “easy” child. Still, he was always very much a boy, and I was shocked by his sudden adoption of a “trans” identity.
I got a front-row seat to witness exactly what our system did to this family, once mom sought out counselling for him (now her biggest regret).
Mom explained to the “professional” that there was a LOT going on here, and she certainly wanted a holistic approach to assessing her boy’s demands for medicalization of his brand-new “female embodiment goals.” The female therapist assured mom that yes, that would all be taken into account, and the boy would not simply be “affirmed.”
Yet he was. Some weeks later, in front of the boy, the therapist asked Mom, “Would you rather have a dead son or a living daughter?”
When Mom told me this had occurred, it peaked me. I had to know more about why this obviously unethical, rhetorical, and coercive question had been asked. I later found out that it was being posed to parents all over the world, in various languages. Reflexively. Dismissively. Condescendingly. Threateningly. Over and over: “Dead child or trans child? Dead child or trans child?” IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT.
This mom was all for having a gay son, if that were the fact. But not a medically maimed and harmed son. Not a son suffering the lifelong iatrogenic harm engendered by “gender affirming care.”
But the system affirmed him, and at 19, he got a testosterone blocker and estrogen. And he demanded “she / her” pronouns. And when mom drew the line and said no to calling him a woman or “daughter,” he ended all contact with her. It’s been over two years now.
This is why I got involved in opposing loss-of-function elective cosmetic chemical and surgical sex trait modifications for children and youth. Because I’ve seen this boy being misdiagnosed, I’ve seen the devastation of his mother’s grief and loss. And I blame the “professionals” and the system… NOT THE PARENTS.
The parents are living through “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” It’s truly a horror. I feel survivor guilt, that somehow my own two GenZ kids didn’t get transed into the body-destroying cult.
This is a wonderful essay, and should be required reading for every “trans” activist and “ally.”
Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Claire, I’m honored to have met you in person in DC. You are beautiful, kind and bright. Your story brought me to tears. You have such beautiful grace in forgiving your mother. I’m so glad you shared your story with us. I will never look at an affirming parent the same way. Before I judge them, I will at least wonder what happened to them to make them go this route.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am a parent who was not allowed to be part of the narrative of my young adult's journey, only informed via email. It is so important that people hear the journey of you and your mother. I am sure there are many mothers right now wondering how to navigate their current experience who will benefit from yours.
Sending wishes for continued healing to you and your mom.
This is beautifully written. Full of pathos. As Michael Shellenberger said at the genspect conference - this is a failure of civilization.
No parent in this - whether they affirm or not - is free of guilt. We all feel that at some stage we failed to protect our child.
Claire- I wonder if you think the situation is different now? Is there enough doubt and skepticism out there generally that would give a parent (say, in a blue state) pause about pursuing GAC? Thank you again for a column full of wisdom and grace.
I am a healthcare provider in Oregon. In the Democrat controlled cities here, dissent to all woke beliefs and programs is aggressively crushed. The “trans” ideology is currently an unquestionable religious tenet. On the occasions when I have attempted to talk about problems with GAC, including lack of evidence base for informed consent, medical necessity, and effectiveness of GAC, I have been immediately demonized as a “right wing bigot.” Belief in the suicide myth is particularly unassailable. Most healthcare providers practicing in major cities here either support the gender ideology or remain silent out of justified fears of being harmed professionally and personally.
If I were the parent of a teen or younger child I would leave the area, keep my kids out of schools that preach gender ideology, and try to protect them from social contagion via the internet. Many families are unable to do this, and I would be terrified if I were in that position.
New Mexico is just as bad. It's awful.
Yes, I have observed the blueness of NM in recent elections. It seems odd that a Southwestern state would have turned so blue; I suppose it is because of retirees moving there from blue areas.
Oregon, in addition to having an overwhelming ideological investment in GAC, also has an enormous financial interest. At least two of Portland hospitals are among the top rated for GAC, and Oregon law makes it as easy as possible for kids to seek their services.
That’s a really good question.
Heart- rending. Thank you for writing with such love and compassion. The medical system has put parents in a box, with a terrible choice to make.
Such a beautifully written article. Claire has so much grace, compassion and maturity.
As a parent of a formerly trans child, another fear I had was that my then 18 year-old would cut ties with us, and then I would have no influence whatsoever.
Yesterday, the governor in our state signed a bill that allows school employees to take children off school grounds to seek “gender-affirming care” including medications. All without parental knowledge or consent. So I could show up at my child’s school only to be told she’s not there, but they can’t tell me where she is or what she’s doing or who took her. But I’d have to pay the bill, of course. I guess I’d find out then. I just can’t believe some people believe that’s in the child’s best interest.
Oh my stars... this is beyond criminal.