This is a very powerful piece. I wish you courage and success for your healing. I would like to offer a word of hope as a recovering addict. I realized what I was doing to myself at 25 and entered recovery. The first few years were very difficult (although there was enough good stuff to make it worth it). Now in my 50s, I can look back and say self acceptance is completely worth it!
I predict your journey will be less lonely as more young lesbians realize self acceptance is healthier than transition. I can only imagine increasing numbers healing together- and I hope, finding all the love you have deserved all along.
This is such a sad account but I'm sure it's not unique. Consider yourself fortunate that at least physically you've had a lucky escape. I'm certain that you will find the strength to move on and live a good life. Good luck!
I appreciate this piece even more because I met you last year. 😊
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like a devastating experience and you are showing such strength by writing about it and letting your true self emerge. Best to you💜
As someone who came out as a lesbian during feminism's "second wave," I can tell you that it was an exciting time to be alive. Creativity and energy were bursting out of women everywhere. However, there were no lesbian "institutions" or places to connect us until we created them. While creating lesbian space is difficult, it must be done BY lesbians, FOR lesbians. The same goes for women-centered spaces in general.
From my perspective, the motivation to create and maintain lesbian space was greatest when radical feminism was a stronger influence. Many women, especially lesbians, were radical feminists even if they didn't use the term. One meaning of radical is "going to the root." Radical feminism meant going to the root of women's oppression and figuring out how to unite to strengthen women's position in the world and in our relationships with each other. That meant building spaces where we could find and grow our best selves.
My hope is that as more young lesbians detransition, they will do the kind of consciousness raising that many of us participated in during the 1970s. (I still meet women who were in CR groups back then). CR groups were a major inspirational influence on women at the time. The CR group I was in followed a strict protocol of questions that were answered by everyone in the group, on a variety of topics, while sitting in a circle in my living room. All women in the group were required to participate (no silent observers) and not to interrupt other women, but to listen, without judgment, to how they answered the questions. The topics were designed to take women from little consciousness about the roles of sex stereotyping to a strong understanding as to how sex roles controlled who we could become and how we could live our lives.
CR was one of the first places where I bonded with a GROUP of women. That kind of bonding was critical to women joining together to help each other, whether lesbian or not. Much has been written on the theory and accomplishments of CR groups. I hope that young detransitioners look into that history and accommodate some of the methodology. There are many older women's rights advocates who think a new wave of CR groups would be a good way to reawaken feminism.
Finally, let me say that as an older lesbian, I feel bad that we weren't cognizant of our responsibility to keep some semblance of a PUBLIC radical feminism visible to the world, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for new lesbians to follow. (PS - You don't have to be a lesbian to be a radical feminist.) On the other hand, none of us had experience with that kind of thing, and generational conflicts being what they are, I can't fault us too much for our failure. Every generation has to rise again to move us forward.
I too was involved in feminist CR groups from 1969 on, and in lesbian feminist organizations from 1970 on. As you said, after the gay and lesbian rights movement achieved so much success, the organizations of activists that forged the advances of our cause ceased to exist. Likewise, as we coupled up and got on board with the American dream, I and my friends ceased going to bars and "lesbian community" events. I had no idea until this year that there is no longer a lesbian community. It is not sad for me, but when young women talk to me about coming out, I have no idea where to send them for group interaction and socialization into a subculture that used to be rich and is now gone. The loss of feminist groups is much more of a loss for me, as there is again a desperate need to advocate for women's rights.
Thank you so much for this post. At some point I hope my daughter (a male-identifying teen girl in denial of being a butch lesbian) will be open to reading it. Despite the differences in circumstances, there are some striking similarities that perhaps she could relate to. I hope you will write more of your experiences. And if you are ever in the SF Bay Area, please reach out to the wonderful, reality-based women of Women Are Real. You will find many kindred spirits in this group. https://womenarereal.org/
Thank you very much for writing and posting this. In the long term, what is the solution for lesbians who do NOT want to undergo medical transition and who do NOT want to live a lie?
This is a very powerful piece. I wish you courage and success for your healing. I would like to offer a word of hope as a recovering addict. I realized what I was doing to myself at 25 and entered recovery. The first few years were very difficult (although there was enough good stuff to make it worth it). Now in my 50s, I can look back and say self acceptance is completely worth it!
I predict your journey will be less lonely as more young lesbians realize self acceptance is healthier than transition. I can only imagine increasing numbers healing together- and I hope, finding all the love you have deserved all along.
May you have a blessed recovery!
Thank you for sharing your painful experience. This disturbing fantasy captured my daughter.
Hope you will find many more desisters to encourage and support you,
This is such a sad account but I'm sure it's not unique. Consider yourself fortunate that at least physically you've had a lucky escape. I'm certain that you will find the strength to move on and live a good life. Good luck!
Thank you for sharing so succinctly! I listened to you on Benjamin Boyce... twice... because of your wonderful words!
https://youtu.be/vHq3kV8_cdI?si=AlsEsNG9TB6IcHeW
I hope that the community you are helping to build fills you with purpose and love. You have so much to give.
I appreciate this piece even more because I met you last year. 😊
Thank you for sharing, it sounds like a devastating experience and you are showing such strength by writing about it and letting your true self emerge. Best to you💜
As someone who came out as a lesbian during feminism's "second wave," I can tell you that it was an exciting time to be alive. Creativity and energy were bursting out of women everywhere. However, there were no lesbian "institutions" or places to connect us until we created them. While creating lesbian space is difficult, it must be done BY lesbians, FOR lesbians. The same goes for women-centered spaces in general.
From my perspective, the motivation to create and maintain lesbian space was greatest when radical feminism was a stronger influence. Many women, especially lesbians, were radical feminists even if they didn't use the term. One meaning of radical is "going to the root." Radical feminism meant going to the root of women's oppression and figuring out how to unite to strengthen women's position in the world and in our relationships with each other. That meant building spaces where we could find and grow our best selves.
My hope is that as more young lesbians detransition, they will do the kind of consciousness raising that many of us participated in during the 1970s. (I still meet women who were in CR groups back then). CR groups were a major inspirational influence on women at the time. The CR group I was in followed a strict protocol of questions that were answered by everyone in the group, on a variety of topics, while sitting in a circle in my living room. All women in the group were required to participate (no silent observers) and not to interrupt other women, but to listen, without judgment, to how they answered the questions. The topics were designed to take women from little consciousness about the roles of sex stereotyping to a strong understanding as to how sex roles controlled who we could become and how we could live our lives.
CR was one of the first places where I bonded with a GROUP of women. That kind of bonding was critical to women joining together to help each other, whether lesbian or not. Much has been written on the theory and accomplishments of CR groups. I hope that young detransitioners look into that history and accommodate some of the methodology. There are many older women's rights advocates who think a new wave of CR groups would be a good way to reawaken feminism.
Finally, let me say that as an older lesbian, I feel bad that we weren't cognizant of our responsibility to keep some semblance of a PUBLIC radical feminism visible to the world, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for new lesbians to follow. (PS - You don't have to be a lesbian to be a radical feminist.) On the other hand, none of us had experience with that kind of thing, and generational conflicts being what they are, I can't fault us too much for our failure. Every generation has to rise again to move us forward.
I too was involved in feminist CR groups from 1969 on, and in lesbian feminist organizations from 1970 on. As you said, after the gay and lesbian rights movement achieved so much success, the organizations of activists that forged the advances of our cause ceased to exist. Likewise, as we coupled up and got on board with the American dream, I and my friends ceased going to bars and "lesbian community" events. I had no idea until this year that there is no longer a lesbian community. It is not sad for me, but when young women talk to me about coming out, I have no idea where to send them for group interaction and socialization into a subculture that used to be rich and is now gone. The loss of feminist groups is much more of a loss for me, as there is again a desperate need to advocate for women's rights.
Your intelligence took my breath away.
Thank you so much for this post. At some point I hope my daughter (a male-identifying teen girl in denial of being a butch lesbian) will be open to reading it. Despite the differences in circumstances, there are some striking similarities that perhaps she could relate to. I hope you will write more of your experiences. And if you are ever in the SF Bay Area, please reach out to the wonderful, reality-based women of Women Are Real. You will find many kindred spirits in this group. https://womenarereal.org/
Thank you very much for writing and posting this. In the long term, what is the solution for lesbians who do NOT want to undergo medical transition and who do NOT want to live a lie?
Thank you for telling your story, Maia! There's some balance between intellectualism and embodiment that is a sweet spot.